Self-doubt, or self-criticism, or self-sabotaging, or self-judgment - isn't this what we struggle with from time to time? I know for sure that I do. It sneaks up upon us when we need to take that bold step, when we feel like speaking up and stand for something, when we need to shed the old, when we need to make a change, when we need to try new things - almost whenever we go after anything that is foreign or unfamiliar to us. Our system does not recognize it, alien attack! We might not be dealing with it on similar contexts, but often times it boils down to these few common phrases swirling in our heads, which I have heard countless people honest enough to admit to having: (Yes, at least know that you are not alone!)
"I am not good enough..."
"I am not worthy..."
"I don't think I can ever measure up..."
"I am not important enough..."
"Who wants to hear from me?"
"That's not possible for me..."
Or, the likes, if you know what I mean. Although they usually show up in various patterns in our life to keep us safe and settled in our comfort zone, they are more known to insidiously holding us back from our highest potential and reaching for that next level. First, let's ask ourselves if we are happy and fulfilled with where we are in life right in this moment. If the answer is no, then we know there is a gap between where we are now and where we want to be. Even if your answer may be a yes, there is always the next level that you are striving to get to - this is just how humans function, we are insatiate and keep aiming for more (otherwise, we will be bored at some point, won't we?). So, it is a matter of how huge the gap is and what are we doing (or can we do) to bridge it. Somewhere along that continuum, motivation plays a huge role in getting things rolling and yet it feeds on our self-beliefs which are nothing more than what we consistently tell ourselves to be true. Opposite of self-confidence, self-doubt is merely the weaker form of self-belief that we repetitively (and for many, unconsciously) convince ourselves to maintain and continue to dim our light.
Our entire body is a heap of memories (and food, of course). Our self-beliefs are formed through our experiences in life through our five senses (Sight, smell, hearing, taste and touch) that get stored as memories (or karmas, i.e. memories and chemistry of our actions) in our sophisticated system, and, lo and behold, influence our world views in equally perplexing manners. In other words, self-beliefs are a function of our environment - the culture we were raised and/or live in, our upbringing by our parents/caretakers and the people we interact or associate with. This also means that self-doubt was created from the less desirable experience we once had (and the tricky part here is that we might not even realize it) - perhaps the way we were treated or spoken to by others, what we understood from or observed of others and eventually, the meaning we assigned to these experiences. While everything happened externally, the processing of the experience is internal within us - we own the stage and therefore, we can have control over it. Almost every hurdle in life can be traced back to self-doubt and at its core, our fear. It is time to reconsider how much it has cost or crippled us by holding on to our self-doubts.
Let me just give you an example of my own. I have always doubted to some extent my public appearance skills. In particular about public speaking, I worry about my accent (Do I sound okay? How's my pronunciations?), my grammar (Do I use them correctly?), how I appear and look (Do I dress well and decent enough for it? Do I look natural on stage and professional?), how others would think of me (What if the audience is not interested in what I have to say?), my train of thoughts (What if I go tongue-tied or my mind goes blank, forgetting what I have to say?), my presentation skills (Will the audience get my message or the main takeaways?), my humor at the right moment (Will it offend anyone?)....whoa, okay that got me feeling a little vulnerable. I could recall vividly several public scenes in my past that rendered me feeling humiliated and embarrassed. I was in my primary school's singing contest during when I chose to sing the song "Getting to Know You", and it didn't go well even with my diligent practice. It felt like just yesterday that I have to choke on a part of the lyrics and sounded terrible right there in front of the crowd because I could not belt it out flawlessly. I also represented my school and won the table tennis match on district level only to be openly judged to experience a mere stroke of luck against the opponent. Those words stung and were bitter to hear although I played well indeed to win the trophy (while the losing team acted out harshly). In 2007, I was part of the organizing committee for our company trip in charged of being the group captain for colleagues in one of the chartered buses on a journey of almost 3 hours. Boy, that was challenging for me to keep the group entertained and informed throughout - that must have been evident in my demeanor. There was a brief moment when a colleague made fun of some words I said which, I guess, were not grammatically accurate and I literally froze, witnessing it happening. I cannot erase these unfavorable memories at my will, no matter how I wish to. When self-doubt creeps in on me, I tend to recycle the scenes in my head over and over again, thinking to shield myself from more of them. And, that is really a setback and a bad place to stay in, more so when you want to go after your goals and dreams.
Notice that when self-doubt strikes, chances of us finding past evidences to reaffirm whatever the self-doubt is, are very high. One after another, they started playing back in your mind, taking you back to those moments that were utterly unpleasant for any encore. So what can you do? If you can stack the negatives, you can stack the positives! Hence, we got to flip the switch and stack the good, but seemingly with consciousness. We have to be aware what we are telling ourselves and acknowledge if they are truly serving us in any ways. When our thoughts keep us feeling stuck, that should be a clear sign to start singing praises for ourselves. Instead of reminiscing the bad moments, make the habit of recalling great moments that buoyed us instantly. When I learned about this "mind-trick", it was amazing to notice just how effortlessly I could extract the really great memories and soothed my self-doubt at that moment in time. To counter the aforementioned not-so-pleasant encounters of mine, I remember how I won the first prize in reading contest during my first year of school and asked by the headmaster to read the news, weekly on podium (I could even remember that first news article that began with 'Butterworth', the capital of Penang state in my home country, Malaysia. Believe it or not, I can feel the the cut out article in my hands if I want to). I was always in singing competitions as a kid, especially during my night school at Chung Chen (for pure Chinese language-based education, day time was spent on English/Bahasa-based schooling) and winning first and second places were a breeze for me (I sang those songs that I still sing to my son today!). Fast forward into my pre-university year at St. Anthony's secondary school, what we termed 'Form VI' (A-Level equivalent), I still remember fondly singing Jewel's song 'Hands' in front of the class (although I can't recall why that was) and was praised to have sang really well. My dad once fetched me home on his motorcycle and we happened to stop next to my Form VI English teacher who lauded me before my dad for the English essay I wrote early that week. I remember how my Thermodynamics professor, Dr. Zaki, pushed us to do public speaking in the lecture hall during the final year of Chemical Engineering to prep us for the job market and was told I did well speaking about rampant crimes in our society (random topics, he told us). Just as I thought I sucked at pitching, a colleague in my Scrum Master training (April this year) stopped the discussion out of the blue just to share with the group: "By the way, that was one of the best elevator speeches that I have ever heard", after the exercise which I volunteered to represent my team for, a few minutes before that. My mind was blown. I remember asking myself, 'why didn't I feel the positive that he saw in me?'.
I hope you now see the obvious here. Bringing up great memories that can give us some pats on the shoulder may not permanently silent our self-doubt but they do wonders to remind us that we need to cut ourselves some slacks and savor our moments of greatness in life with great appreciation. As how self-belief works, the positive events in our lives can turn our self-doubt into self-confidence if we repeat them enough because they are often the ones we tend to bury deep and let forgotten. You don't have to wait till your self-doubt arise to start recalling these fond praises-filled memories, instead make it a habit starting today to stack the good - make a list somewhere in your (e-)journal that you can draw upon anytime of the day to give you the 'juice' to keep moving forward. If you are like me, nowadays I invite my self-doubt into a conversation. I will put a face of the person who is most likely to cast the negativities on me and challenge them as though (s)he is sitting right in front of me. I would walk around in my living room, gesturing and talk with strong convictions! Surprisingly enough, I always win those debates as such they fall flat on their faces. That naturally boosts my self-confidence and hey, I get to practice my public speaking skills, apparently. Don't take it from me - just try these tricks yourself and let your experience guide you through it. However, you do not earn any rights to roll your eyes and brush these off until you actually give them a try and you confirm that they worked farce. Fair? Anyway, I will leave you with something profound that Mel Robbins reminded us with: "There will always be someone who can't see your worth. Don't let it be you!"
How much has it cost you to date for holding on to your self-doubt?
What can you start doing today to beat your self-doubt?
Will you stack the good or will you keep stacking the bad?
Drop your comments below, I would love to hear your feedback.
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