As a child, the word 'sensitive' was my pet peeve because it was used on me a lot growing up, by adults around me. Especially at large family gatherings when many of my (distant) relatives would be present and always have natural opening lines concerning my physical appearance (it did not matter if I looked normal like any typical kid my age, they just had something to say), not forgetting the tendencies to compare me with their own child(ren) over matters like academic achievements, beauty or good-lookingness and fancy possessions (unnecessary on-going gibberish on who was better at what, despite that it was all relative). As you can imagine, it was quite an irony since it was partly fun to meet everyone again after so long and yet dreadful having to put up with all the remarks made toward you for no good reasons.
Gradually but unknowingly, I began to internalize everything and felt really hurt at their disempowering words which somehow were nothing huge to my parents to be worth taken seriously. Over time, I had to start get used to this line of feedback, "Gosh, you are so sensitive, crying over things like that." Every attempt of mine to make known that it was not kind or nice to say things the way they did, was nearly always greeted back with the same 4-word sentence of "You are so sensitive!". I was asked to brush off those things the adults had to say and just keep it cool. Well, I was just a child - could anyone at least explain to me the how-to? I felt so helpless each time with my tear-jerker scenes. Anger and resentment on not being heard and understood built up inside of me in ways that I had no clue would impact me all the way into my adulthood. At one point, I was also labeled 'the angry child' or 'the child with the grim face' above all else. I could barely smile cheerfully anymore. My words fell on deaf ears but their words insidiously shaped my world view and character. Whenever people acted unkind or unjustly, it would all pan out in a familiar way - first, felt awful with tears all welled up in my eyes, then believed it was nothing, and perhaps I was just sensitive, then when silence prolonged and injustice became more evidently felt, released my frustrations, sometimes in ways that actually made things worse.
You see, what I have learned from my childhood became the complex written program of me that I could not decode. All I knew was that something was off, there were many events in my life that played out the same way - I felt clueless, trapped and exhausted. I remember asking myself every time why getting teary eyes seemed to be my immediate natural response when I could speak up and defend my opinion authentically and respectfully. Why did I need to overthink everything? And how when I chose to voice up that it was perceived as either unworldly or mere defensive, blowing things up the wrong way? How could I get myself out of this perplexing conundrum? It cost me opportunities and relationships, and took me years to understand the mental and emotional plight I was in. I was a wounded child who had not properly healed from my childhood past. As I grew up, my wounded inner child resided deep within my adult self, protected by my ego, still yearned to be seen and heard. Being undermined as a sensitive child was only a scratch on the surface, but clearly enough to create a topsy-turvy world for me. Now, I can testify how the very things we need to heal about ourselves tend to present themselves to us in various obvious and subtle forms, until we finally learn what needs to be learned. That's coming home, coming home to our true selves.
Things always get worse before they get better. It took me a long time to finally realize that it was not because I was too sensitive but perhaps some people were simply being insensitive themselves as such they were not capable of understanding how their acts or words undesirably impacted other people even after been pointed out. There is a difference. Looking back, here are my few core lessons to share if this is something that you can relate to and as much as possible, let's help more children around us understand these before they internalize what others say unfavorably of them:
You are fine just the way you are
There is nothing wrong with you! Being highly sensitive just means you have stronger emotional reactions where mild criticism can induce shame while mild praise can produce euphoria or possibly a misunderstanding of your feelings - so both stronger affects of positive and negative (Aron, E. N., 2010, in Psychotherapy and the Highly Sensitive Person: Improving Outcomes for That Minority of People Who Are the Majority of Clients). It is not really a debate about the righteousness of being sensitive, or the lack thereof, as it is about attunement to your feelings and emotions as they arise. It is important to differentiate your sensitive side from the possibility of it being used against you to mislead or manipulate. Recurring themes can be a sign that there is something worth investigating and paying attention to. What is perceived as a weakness is ideally a strength too to help you correct course for your well-being. As you may have learned, when you suppress your feelings and emotions in order to fit in, they continue to fester and find opportunities to teach you what you need to learn in that moment.
Words have powerful influence on you
Be mindful of what you let in or say to yourself. Just as how words can lift you up in an instant, they can also crush your confidence if you allow them. While you cannot control what other people say or not say, it is critical to note the words you use to interpret and translate your own experience of what actually happened. Different words present different shades of meaning and will therefore determine the flavors of your experience. It is one thing to tell yourself, "This is hopeless, nobody will ever understand me", and quite another to say, "This is fascinating, let's see what I can do differently next time to ensure this does not repeat itself". In both cases, what do you think your body sensations and overall experience would be like? Words like 'elated', 'happy', 'joyful', 'bliss' and 'ecstasy' are different gradients of the positive feeling and so do 'angry', 'pissed', 'frustrated', 'annoyed', and 'livid' on the negative side. When I was told "You are so sensitive", I thought to myself, "What is wrong with me?". When I was labeled, "the grim-faced child", I told myself, "I must be ugly". Holy moly, guacamole! I wish I knew to say, "It's okay that I am sensitive" and "I just want to be understood", respectively. Just those small tweaks could turn criticism into compassion. The power of words is an essential pillar to creating a pleasant state of being for yourself. So, choose your words wisely. When you care enough for the words you use on yourself, you will naturally take care of how your words come across to others.
Learn to put up healthy boundaries
Healthy boundaries in this case may mean knowing when to walk away or simply keep a distance from people who do not treat you with respect. This can be a hard choice or decision when this involves people whom you care most about or are close with. It can also mean speaking up in truth with courage, without feeling guilty or the need to please others. Take a pause, communicate clearly and tell them politely what is considered acceptable or not, especially what they did actually hurt your feelings. This is assertiveness, which is the highest form of communication skill and can be improved on. While assertiveness does not necessarily guarantee the desired outcome, it at least ensures that you do not let others walk all over you like a doormat by expressing your point of view respectfully. This is a demonstration of how you choose your response instead of simply reacting to other people's actions or behaviours. Don't assume that people always understand what is on your mind or how you feel, you have to figure out the best way to clearly inform others as such it invites their understanding and not their contempt. When all else fail, you just have to accept that everyone is on their own journey and level of consciousness. There comes a time when what really serves you is just simply putting yourself first.
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