Do we even realize how we subconsciously carry expectations of others, to be, do or say something? We tend to form these expectations over our lifetime, based on cultural exposure, social influence and observations. For examples, if you are frustrated, you are expecting the other person to "get it" and fully empathize; If it's your birthday, perhaps you expect a surprise treat to feel special for a day; When a friend organizes a private party, you expect to be invited; You expect an old neighbour to warm up like before as you bump into each other in the city you now live...only to find out you are feeling disappointed that none of those actually turned out the way you hoped for. The other person only listened half-heartedly and switched track on you as you dished out what went wrong that day, hoping to be understood. It turned out there was an emergency in the family which means your birthday surprise will be postponed for a bit, if not (unintentionally) forgotten. You did not make it to the VIP list (boo..sorry) for the private party for whatever reasons your friend thought to be rightfully so. Also, your old neighbour just didn't recognize you even as you both brushed shoulders on the street, what were the odds? As how Shakespeare put it: "Expectation is the root of all heartache." This is often how we create "sufferings" in our inner worlds, expecting the outer world to change to meeting our own needs - especially when we don't quite communicate clearly what our expectations are. Do we truly recognize what our expectations are in the first place?
I have some headache today, well, since Wednesday actually, as I could not get over the developing stench that seemed to come from the kitchen floor. About a week ago, I discovered a leakage in the washdisher drainage, the overflowing foam from its run and stared in horror the soaking scene of the cabinet beneath the kitchen sink. Before I knew it, I was running upstairs for the thickest towel I could find to dry up the kitchen floor. I was not too bothered by it until it started to stink a little (from the detergent aftersmell) a day or two later, which reminded me of a pending repair task for the dishwasher owed to me by the vendor whom I have tried to make an appointment with since March but later got delayed several times due to COVID19 protocols. Anyway, long story short, he finally showed up last Wednesday and after spending about 15 to 20 minutes in the kitchen, he concluded that the cabinet will need to be replaced which otherwise would rot. To boot, the soaked cabinet has essentially altered the measurement of the cabinet base by a few milimeters and the dishwasher door will no longer fit without producing scratches.
After 8 months, I was left with two new challenges with the original concern still intact - wet cabinet, soaked laminated floor (slightly bloated, which now gives out that stench) and the dishwasher door that scratches the side (damage in the build, literally). Before he left, I was quickly prompted to ask him what steps to take to get all these fixed. "I will take care of it for you. This is your email address, correct? I will inform you as soon as I can confirm the next appointment for this," he convinced me. At that moment, I was looking for the commitment to fulfill the task, and I expected it to be done as soon as he can. I counted on the "promise" he made and so I trusted - hoping deep down that I would not be disappointed again as with my experience with the cable technician who offered to help with my TV but did not turn up after all. Two days later today, I heard nothing back and I was sitting at my desk, one palm on each side of my temples, wondering what to do with the overbearing smell and if the guy took any actions at all. I really want them to be all proper before Christmas, at least! Who wants to sit with this during festive period? I could not take the chance. I logged on to the vendor portal and formally reported the incident. About 2 hours later, they called and confirmed an appointment in Dec, right in the week before Christmas. There, it was done. As for that guy, I realized that I have expected him to keep his words, set an appointment and inform me accordingly - and I did not expect that to take longer than an hour, let alone two days? That's when I caught myself.
This morning before school, as we were enjoying breakfast at the kitchen table, I asked my son if he smelled anything funky as it has driven me a little nuts. He looked up and replied, "No....but I can smell my bowl of soup!" He smiled and I had to laugh. The smell of the soup was all he could sense and we both have the same breakfast while all I smelled was the stench. I realized how I have been focusing on the wrong things! My focus has probably intensified it for me personally. Where your focus goes, your energy flows. Haven't I learned? Has the stench been that awful, he would have picked that up rather instantly himself without me having to check in. Children teach, don't they? It is so true how children can best demonstrate to us what living in the moment means. While the guy did not show any sign of following up on the task, he did appear genuine when he offered to "take care of it" and he actually made the effort to inspect the leakage and helped to tighten all pipe joints before he left. The dishwasher door will scratch until its next fix but it was fixated back to where it belongs after 8 months. On the other hand, the guy also left behind a new one to be replaced later and saved another order delay (year-end, kid not). Lastly, there was no prove that he did not follow up on the promise, just that "within an hour" was naught but my own expectation of him.
When we came home from school this afternoon, at lunch table, I asked my son again almost begging to cure my sanity on that stench which I have been trying to tolerate the whole morning. This time he said, "No mama, but I smell the mandarin orange now." It's true, I ate one before my questioning. Okay, right there, that was my sign to trade expectation with appreciation. If he did not smell anything bad, it means it was not as bad as it seemed and I should stop the madness. Later that evening, we headed out to get some pizzas and also came back with the laminate rinse and pure vinegar to get rid of the smell. Few hours later now, at time of writing, I am happy to announce...the stench has gone, it seems. Expect nothing, appreciate everything. What a wonderful life lesson for my day!
Now, your turn.
Will you be consciously checking in if you harbour expectations that might only appear ideal in your mind? How can you trade your expectations for appreciations instead?
(For some reasons, I am now quietly appreciating the burning flame of the candle by the windows. Way better than the experience of my entire day...)
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