There are many things that I wish to tell my younger self, this is definitely one of them: Whenever I feel incipient anger, fear or anxiety, I must remember to face them and feel all these emotions created by the flush of chemicals in forms of bodily sensations, refrain from the impetus to act and know that they will subside after about 90 seconds before I can recompose myself and choose my response wisely to avoid anything I might later regret.
According to Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, the author of Whole Brain Living and My Stroke of Insight, we are essentially feeling creatures who think, rather than thinking creatures who feel. Within that 90 seconds, we can watch the process happening, feel it happening inside of us and then watch how the intense energy slowly dissipates from our system. Any lingering negative emotions that we feel after 90 seconds since triggered are basically our own doing and we must own the responsibility to observe closely the thoughts we have roaming in our heads that are generating those unwanted emotions and corresponding physiological responses over and over again. She warns against any tendencies to avoid feeling our emotions (since they can be extremely uncomfortable and overwhelming) because the 'block' is temporary and will eventually kick open the floodgate. She encourages us to start the 90-second countdown, using either our watch or smart phone, as soon as these emotions arise - and start tracing the internal process. As they say in neuroscience, 'Neurons that fire together, wire together' - if we practice this by repetition, the relevant brain circuitry will continue to strengthen and this is how we can use our mind to control our brain, and not otherwise.
Similarly in the spiritual teaching, we are encouraged to 'take a pause' and 'sit with it' when we are overwhelmed by our emotions and decide to respond instead of react. We shall kindly let them in and gently watch them depart. Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor has reframed this into another useful tool called the B.R.A.I.N. huddle to return to an equanimous and peaceful state. B, which stands for Breathe, calls us to remember how breath fundamentally draws that very fine line between our life and the absence of it. When we focus on our breath, we become present and purposefully aware of our physical body, allowing us to safely connect with our whole being in the moment. As we breathe consciously, we have the power to instantly stop the cellular interactions between the stimuli from our external environment with our automatic responses of thoughts, emotions and actions, to such stimulations. As a result, we are capable to overwrite the automatic old patterns wired in the brain from our long gone history and create new choices for ourselves. R, which stands for Recognize, wants us to check in and understand how we are feeling in the present moment and whether that makes us feel great or otherwise. It also compels us to recognize that context for everyone in the same room with whom we directly communicate. This is an act to validate our feelings and reconnect with ourselves, and to be able to authentically do the same with others. A, stands for Appreciate, which means to honor and empower our ability to engage with our emotions as a gift of respect for ourselves and as such, enable us to connect more meaningfully in our relationships with others. When we show appreciation for our emotions, we have the ability to savor every fleeting moment and every unique experience. I, which represents Inquire, is fueled by curiosity whereby we first observe ourselves, then observe those in our vicinity, followed by observing ourselves in response to those around us and finally observing how others are responding to us - so that we are able to consciously choose the next strategic move in this game of life. This way, not only that we acknowledge to others that we are available to connect, we also take full responsibility for the energy we ourselves bring into the room. Lastly, N is to Navigate with flexibility all possible changes in our life and shift away from our natural tendency to react on automatic based on our conditionings and instead deliberately take responsibility of who and how we want to be.
Dr. Rudolph E. Tanzi, who co-authored the book Super Brain, asserted a similar and simplified approach known as S.T.O.P. which means to Stop (or slow down), Take a breath (and smile), Observe what happens, and then Proceed with awareness and kindness. The intention here is to give ourselves the time to experience the internal process that we discussed above which then allow us to decide on our next step, mindfully with appreciation, attention, and affection. Once we understood these concepts and practice them each time we feel negative emotions triggering our needs to 'attack' or 'charge back', we train our brain to build new connections. When done with persistence and dedication, these new neuron connections will become our default automatic responses and we will not be easily swayed by what others do or say that frustrate us, or feel agitated or angry at anyone or any situation. Whether we are talking about some stranger who rudely overtook us in traffic, a child messed up the floor which was just cleaned, conflict at work with colleague, daft bickering with spouse or parents - using both BRAIN, STOP! tool within the 90-second window of opportunity will double down on our chance to rise from these events in wisdom and compassion, before we regret anything that we say or do following our impulses based on some unconscious patterns from the past.
In summary, it takes approximately 90 seconds for the stimuli-stimulation chemicals flush that create our emotions (especially negative ones) to leave our system again. Anything remaining unpleasant bodily sensations beyond that duration are caused by our own thoughts and the meaning we ourselves give to them. Apply BRAIN, STOP! technique within that 90-second window as frequently as possible to avoid automatically reacting from our reptilian or survival brain in fight-or-flight mode. We are not our brain and we can take back that power to exercise better control over it and learn to consciously choose our response from a place of love, kindness and compassion. I love this quote from Maya Angelou and find myself coming back to it time after time: People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but they will never forget how you made them feel. These methods sound simple, yet they are not easy to apply. Like anything else, if we want to build this into our identity, we got to practice, practice, practice. We need to be the change we want to see in the world. It starts with us.
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