Assertiveness is an absolutely critical behavioral skill for effective and successful leadership, whether at the workplace or at home. I would add that it is simply an essential life skill to be one's authentic self, as a stronghold for higher self-confidence and positive self-esteem. Being assertive means that one firmly knows where (s)he stands and seeks to achieve satisfactory outcomes for both parties. As a result, one gets more of what (s)he wants, by also acknowledging and considering what the other person wants or needs. We can understand better what assertiveness entails, by juxtaposing the three common behavioral patterns (Potts and Potts 2013) as follow:
(a) Aggressiveness: Enhances one's own position or limelight, at the expense of others or by putting the other person down. They can be obnoxious hubris. An aggressive person possesses overly self-righteousness and would exhibit it in manners that violates the rights of others - that 'my views are more important than yours' context. They are not usually aware of the appropriateness and suitability of their expressions of thoughts, beliefs and feelings, to the extent of resorting to blame, contempt, threats and hostility. It is a zero-sum game: “I win, you lose.”
(b) Passive-Aggressiveness (or, 'Non-Assertiveness'): Fails to express one's feelings and views altogether where one's rights are compromised, or does it apologetically, with caution, and in submissive ways, as such other people can easily disregard it - that 'my views are not/less important than his/hers' context. One would usually provide long explanations and various justifications to his/her actions, refuse to take responsibility, or constantly diminishing oneself in order to please and satisfy others. It is a fear-, anxiety- and avoidance-based behavior that allows one to manipulate others to avoid confrontation, rejection, criticism and even, compliments. It is best summarized as: “I lose, you win” (worrywart) or “if I lose, you lose too!” (manipulative).
(c) Assertiveness: As already been defined above, it leads to an honest, open and straightforward expression of ideas and opinions, with the mutual understanding and genuine engagement with others; put differently, a "win-win" approach.
Let's take a look at one example scenario each in the professional and personal space, respectively:
A. Your boss gives you another pile of work at the eleventh hour and expects that you handle them well within the designated timeframe, while you already have a lot at hand. How would you respond?
i) 'Sure, no problem. I can work longer hours this week to meet the tight deadlines'. (non-assertive)
ii) 'I am sure this requires immediate attention but I can't possibly meet the deadlines under such short notice and risk jeopardizing the outcome. Let's discuss together how we can approach this better' (assertive).
iii) 'No way, this is just too much! You can't expect me to pick this up at the very last minute and still deliver. Out of question!' (aggressive).
B. A family member happily 'volunteered' your help to her friends, not for the first time, without first checking with you. You are intimidated and annoyed by that. What would you say?
i) 'That’s the last time you’ll do that without asking me first. I am utterly pissed off by the fact that you don’t even bother to find out whether I will or not....Just stop it, will you?' (aggressive).
ii) 'There you go, you’ve done it again. It's so unfair that you always agree on my behalf just because I never complain. I suppose that I can't not show up now because of you. You are really taking advantage of my easy-going nature (non-assertive).'
iii) 'Please don’t volunteer me in future without asking me first. I feel very annoyed when you do that. Suggest that you ask your friend to speak to me directly if she needs my help. I will decide with her if I can otherwise make it (assertive).'
Note the nuances in the behavioral patterns. In fact, assertiveness has almost invariably been confused with aggressiveness. This can happen when a non-assertive person reaches a certain point where (s)he no longer can tolerate being treated unfairly that (s)he ends it with an outburst of pent-up emotions and demands his/her needs to be met, by communicating aggressively. If this reaction is 'rewarded', (s)he may think of that as being assertive, while that's far from truth! (S)he may get whatever is asked for but at the same time, invites disapproval and opposition from others. We do not inherently only behave (non-)assertively or aggressively but vary between all three. So, it depends. It is just how we might appear to behave in a given situation. However, when under pressure or stress, one potentially exhibits either more aggressiveness or non-assertiveness.
I have got my fair share of feedback concerning my assertiveness and lack thereof, throughout my years as a consultant. Due to the mixed feedback from different people (clients and colleagues) with whom I worked, it actually intrigues me even more to understand how assertive I am and how I come across to others. When I finally hired a personal coach, assertiveness naturally became the first personal development area that I wanted to get help with and more insight of. Within the 30mins we had, she asked me a couple of questions, and managed to clear something up for me about my assertiveness in accordance with the outcome of my DISC assessment (Dominance | Influence | Steadiness | Conscientious) - exactly as aforementioned, my assertiveness can vary depending on the situation that I am in. I was relieved because it means I just need to be more aware of situations in which I was not so assertive after all.
Assertiveness is imperative for effective communications and hence, a core component of successful leadership qualities. Behaving assertively allows one to state one's needs clearly, to concentrate and achieve what is possible, without dismissing the needs of others. As a result, it provides strength and flexibility, and nurtures self-confidence and self-esteem in ways that will lead to a happy, healthy and fulfilling existence.
Reference:
Potts, C. & Potts, S. (2013). Assertiveness: How to Be Strong in Every Situation. Capstone Publishing Limited.
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