This is a topic that I have so much to discuss about but somehow it is rather difficult to put into words. Being known as a "nice" person is sometimes overrated and it really depends on the meaning it has been given. I dare you to test this yourself. If you can think of anyone you know well in your life whom you would call "nice", try to recollect the various reason(s) you consider them so. This person might have demonstrated honorable acts in your presence, helped you before, gave you something, done something lovely for you or you even possibly borrowed the idea from someone else's experience.
Their reputation of being "nice" have built up over time and it only takes one simple deviation from all that "niceties" that they have been showing, for example, an individual can be agreeable and easy to hang around with, until one day when (s)he counters your idea and challenges your point of views with good reasons, for you to change your perception of them. The so-called "nice" person suddenly isn't as "nice" as you thought before. It does not stop you from still mingling with them, but the atmosphere might have shifted as such (s)he is not even considered "nice" anymore, not until something of much higher merits compensates the last and obscures its temporary disturbance of that perpetual cycle of niceness. Now, why is that? One thing is clear, the degree of niceness changes in accordance to how people make you feel.
Let's be honest, there is a good chance when you call someone "nice", or enjoys being treated as one, that there is something in the relationship which actually serves you and it might not be that obvious even to yourself at first. This kind of "niceness" with a self-serving element is nothing but, well, ego-driven. Only the ego needs such recognition to keep it real, strong and alive in you. Ego is that part of you which tends to judge, analyze and differentiate. It has opinion about everything, creates duality and masks away the is-ness of reality. I personally don't believe that ego can completely be eliminated nor should it be, but it certainly can be controled and tamed down more, as in kept behind the scene rather, by increasing your awareness of it, to avoid letting it run the show for you the whole time.
For many years, I have been living under the light of being "nice" and "kind" without realizing that for most parts, I was merely a people-pleaser taken for granted and advantage of. This might sound first-hand like a blame on other people but the truth is, it was a "safety net" for me as well to be liked rather than to be ignored or disapproved of. Therefore, there was something to gain from both sides. However, to realize there was even a safety net to begin with, took a very long time to unveil itself once the pain felt actually became more intense than the gain it brought. Unfortunately, that's the kind of revelation which most of us unknowingly await to finally wake up to reality and start to be who we truly are.
When you grow to become familiar with being "nice" all the time, walking away from it can trigger doubt, guilt and discomfort, strong enough to convince you with the illusion that all your "pain" stemmed from wanting to be liked, are in fact, worth the while. This is how the ego takes the center stage, if you let it. If there is a main role that the ego plays, it is to divorce you from your most authentic self - the part of you which does not yearn to be loved, to be liked, or to be approved of because it is absolute in itself and therefore self-sufficient. So, how can you be more in touch with this eternal part of you without being delusioned by the trap of being nice and the pleasure that comes with it? Here are three take-aways from me on this:
Don't label. This basically means, don't judge. "Nice" is a label and to call someone "nice" is actually a form of judgment, even if you mean it well. Label is limiting as it reduces the actual potential and character of the person. Give it a try and notice how it is relatively harder to see the "nice" people beyond what the label "nice" can ideally convey. That's how you sometimes tend to get shocked or surprised by their behaviours when situations arise because the label "nice" is incapable of justifying the full experience for you. Labels help us to make sense of things and events around us, and that's all there is to it. More importantly, it must be clear to us why we label and how attached we become of it, if we are not careful. The next time you are being nice or being described as one, take a moment to consider what it means to them and to you.
Intention matters. When you enjoy being the "nice" one around, don't forget to check in with yourself about what it is really that's keeping you uplifted. As part of the kindred spirit, the only good here ideally must be to alleviate the suffering of others without expecting anything in return. It is your way to "be" instead of hoping others would treat you as one. Find out in advance how you would feel and act, should the label "nice" no longer applies to you at someone else's whim, by their sudden change of behavior or attitude towards you. Chances are, the way you like being nice with others is to meet certain needs you have such as wanting to be accepted or feel belong. Having awareness of it but do nothing to shift away from it, is as good as activating the time bomb that will explode one day. So, what's your real intention of being nice? If you are okay with either scorn or smile by anyone at anytime without ruminating about it, you are on the right track!
Stop buying into the illusion. Since the niceness may change as perception of the individual changes, this means it is not real after all. It is only real in the fleeting moment and that moment is gone faster than you are aware of it. When we realized all underlying conditions change all the time, nothing you experience as pleasant (when you are called "nice" or unpleasant (when you are not considered "nice") is even permanent. Holding on to such impermanence is that which creates all kinds of insanity in life including self-isolating and developing insecurities which erode the self-esteem. Instead, life is freeing and more enjoyable when we simply experience everything on a moment-by-moment basis - savor while it lasts and release as it comes. Allow every moment to renew itself where we simply see things as they are, and not let them confuse or bind us into becoming someone that we are not.
It has been quite a journey going from being "nice" to being "me" and what makes it extraordinary is still the increased clarity and deepened perception of things that change the way I live and show up in my life, for the better. Let the idea of being "nice" be a thing of the past and start approaching matters from the heart instead. Some days you might feel like it, other days you might not and that's okay. Similarly, avoid getting too carried away being known as a "nice" person that might lead you to give more energy to others to keep up with the reputation, when you have none reserved to take care of yourself. Remember, you can't pour from an empty cup. So, stop being "nice" and start being YOU. Hope this helps.
Comments