Sometimes you just have no idea when you actually overdo things until it has been pointed out. Even better, when you are made aware by people who have no intention to beat around the bush and simply tell you point blank. I mean, like your kid. (Or mine, at least.)
Time was almost running out, I still needed to run upstairs to get changed before bringing my son to school. Suddenly my son exclaimed that perhaps he should bring some fruits with him for the 10am snacktime, while just a few moments before then, he confirmed fruits will be provided at school. Usually, I have the habit to prepare readily peeled fruits like apples, pears or oranges for him in his snack container, thinking to get rid of the wax layers and to prevent the juices of their skin from tainting his clothes (and ruin them permanently). Fine fine fine, maybe it was just me, trying to be the perfect mom. I got frantic as he reminded me in the nick of time, I grabbed a mandarin orange from the fruit bowl and began to peel it.
I must admit to have appeared a little frustrated for his last-minute request and was mumbling as I peeled the fruit, while glancing back and forth at the clock. He looked at me and cut me off my trance right there, telling me, "Or you can just leave it as such (I can peel it myself), other kids do it too. That would be a smarter option, don't you think?" Oh. That struck me - hard, for some reasons. I could feel my mama ego was bruised some, more so by the phrase "smarter option" by a 7 year-old kid. Honestly, it continued to bother me that morning, thinking, 'I feel like I'm over-doing things at times'.
As it happened, I had to redirect my mind from defending myself and justifying my action, 'Hmm, how ungrateful of you to say that when I am just trying to make your day more convenient..' (*ego talking), to 'Wait a second, he's so right, why all this trouble when he is old enough to do it on his own? Even save me some time and energy (*lightbulb moment)." From here, it took me back down the memory lanes of my childhood and corporate days, when I literally over-deliver in many ways to impress my parents (my mom, especially) and employer or clients, respectively - but for what(?), other than overworking and tiring myself, and worst of all, feeling under-appreciated in return. Well, for a significant few times, my efforts were even backfired, setting me up in the direction that did me no favor. Fast forward back to present day, I don't even like that version of me. Obviously, I didn't know better then. Today, I would just say, I have only myself to blame. Actually, scrap that, cut the blame, I am responsible for my own behavior and actions!
The problem was not about over-delivering itself, but it was entirely devoted in all the wrong contexts. On many fronts, they feel like the right (or rather generous) amount of efforts but may not be intentionally directed to what matters, through which it would benefit whom it was meant for. The right context has to be detached from one's obsession on perfection or the need to prove oneself. According to the law of diminishing marginal productivity in economy, adding an additional factor of production results in smaller increases in output. Applying to this context, there is a limit to what you do that will produce optimal results, after which any extra effort would not create a whole lot of impact. That's right, I realized, the "extra" effort was only to make me feel good about myself but it does not bring about any more positive difference to the receiver of my act or effort, which make it delusional at best.
You might be asking, so "how would you know if you are actually overdoing it, or you are just giving up while you are so close to your goal?". Frankly, if you are not careful, you might just get the two totally mixed up. This is not about scaling back the effort or choose to be mediocre with it when you obviously can do more of. This is also not about doubting your every step wondering if it will ever be worth it. The important part is always how you will notice your own such tendencies and go over the following checkpoints to evaluate what might come across as "too much", "just enough" or "irrelevant". Remember, any change is always preceded by the awareness of that which warrants it, for it to be effective.
Firstly, you must be clear about your intention for the effort you are willing to pour into an endeavor. More specifically, is it more about an ego-driven self-centered outcome you aim for, or you genuinely thought it through for having a great impact beyond yourself toward others? Whether setting your intention or understanding your own motivation, it is an intentional act in itself, otherwise it will just slip through the cracks. The stark difference between the two opposites is how you are prone to feel about the whole experience. The egoic aim will likely make you feel icky, resentful and fatigued on the long run, unless you are constantly fed with words of appreciation or convinced that you will handsomely be "rewarded" by it. The willingness to extend yourself for the greater good, on the other hand, is somewhat inexplicable because it makes you relate to something bigger than yourself, and it knows no limit to the amount of effort it will take. You are simply glad to contribute because every ounce of it counts where "overdoing" is even unreal.
Secondly, what sometimes feels like an ego-centric move might actually be in advantage of people involved. By 'advantage', I don't mean how others might take advantage of you per se, but more of indirectly benefiting from your effort - where, you might have helped them without realizing it. And since it is an ego-driven act, you might not actually care to find out if that is the case other than focusing on your goal. This is also where awareness comes in because if you are paying attention, you will receive various cues or feedback from your environment (the context you are in) reminding you that you can ideally still shift towards larger-than-self intention to go bigger with the effort in ways that will externalize the impact you want. The ego side of us is always dealing with perceptions of things which often blind us from what truly matters in life. The feedback to what we are doing to ourselves can be easily overlooked when we become too identified with the aggrandized idea of self. Similarly at times, just because you believe more effort is going to make a difference to someone, the reverse may be true. Either people around you don't have the heart to tell you the truth in case it hurts or they might even be laughing quietly behind your back for it, thinking you are so naive and foolish and they feel bad for you. Other times, they are too obsessed with their own things that they aren't even paying attention to you. Therefore, in order to know how you are doing with your effort, it is a matter of proactively asking for feedback as well. That means, you need to understand who are the stakeholders and make it a point to check in regularly with them to find out if your effort mean any measure to them, before you empty your tank and then realize, you are not even close to any outcome.
Thirdly, when you take into account both intention and feedback, you must also know when to let things go and learn that, basically that is all you can do at a certain point, before you are forced to come to that realization. It always feels better when it is your voluntary act. The ideas of "perfection', "more is better" or "keep pushing the envelop" are illusional because everyone plays by different standards of them and hence, none of this can ever be attained - because they don't exist. They exist only because you give attention to them. When you don't, you will soon realize it is just your mind messing with you. This is where you have to listen to yourself, and tune into how you are feeling at any moment of the day. Feelings will always win over logic. Ask, is whatever that you do so much of making you feel joyful and stress-free though exhausted (but satisfying kind), or you are exhausted, feel undervalued, frustrated and wanting to pull your hair out, while playing pretend you are holding in everything so well. You can cheat others but not yourself. In the long run, like a boomerang, it will come right back at you, to wake you up. When that happens, it will sting a little more than when you choose to release and rest when you need to, and give more when you have the capacity to - regardless of what others might think of you. What others think of you only stems from what you think about yourself. Don't forget, you are in control of you own thoughts. When you relax a bit and take required actions consciously, you will know exactly when "doing enough" can sometimes be "just enough" and to reserve your precious energy on other things that matter equally, if not more.
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