For some reasons, I couldn't fall asleep easily yesterday night despite feeling exhausted. I was tossing and turning in bed for hours, before I grabbed my headphones on my nightstand and listened to songs I love on my Spotify playlist. Before I put away my phone, I quickly checked my Twitter (or, should I call it "X" now, the "blue bird" was undoubtedly cuter and friendly though) account which I haven't been really active on but find rather useful to catch up with the latest (or trending) discussions out there. This time, the first tweet on my feed was that by Dr. Jordan Peterson, expressing condolences over the recent marital dissolution of Canada's Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau - which I realized then was all over the news:
Thread screenshot captured on 3-August-2023, AMS CEST on X, formerly known as Twitter platform.
It wasn't exactly a big surprise in any way since divorce cases have been so rampant these days as such realities of long-lasting marriages have been overshadowed or put through tremendous tests, more so after the pandemic era. While I am not into the political side of things, the second sentence in his tweet certainly caught my attention, "Divorce is a terrible thing". These few words alone imbued memories of so much shock, humiliation, pain and sorrow in my own experience of the life-changing event, especially one that involves children. For the next five minutes, I had a few significant flashbacks of how I endured and got through all of that on my own, in a foreign country with its own legal terms, language and protocols, hiring the help of a highly-credible attorney to protect myself. All the fears that came with this were real and visceral. Within span of weeks in Summer 2017, I have had an immense shower of responsibilities to shoulder alone and critical decisions to make - all while juggling between parenthood and a full-time career. Life at that time, had certainly dealt me a card which I wasn't quite ready for! Looking back, I also had zero idea what life actually has in store for me going beyond this phase...
I remember silently harboring and burying the shame and confusion for almost two years between 2017 to 2019, without confiding in anyone else other than my faraway family. In many ways, I still held back from spilling too much knowing that talking to family who wants the best for me wasn't always a great option either if I ever wanted to think clearly to process the whole situation. At work, I dreaded the look in the eyes and pretension around people at the firm who possibly knew about this but said nothing - not sure if those were signs of them taking sides or just some mind-your-own-business mindset display. People whom I thought knew me to some extent had distanced themselves or perhaps, it felt strongly as such. A few even unfriended me on Facebook, that was kind of interesting. I remember thinking to myself then, "Wow, how the world can be so void of humanity." Suffice to say, I have had many eye-opening moments of the illusion I was formerly enthralled in - nothing judgmental but deep revealing moments of who I was, the life I had and within which, with whom I had surround myself.
At that time, honestly mere three words from anyone could potentially eased a lot, mentally and emotionally, of what I was going through: "Are you okay?" That's all I needed to hear. I flipped back once in a while to the photos I have taken of myself during those uncertain times of my life that I still keep in my phone: pale-looking, dull, tired, puffy-eyed, and forced smiles. Yet, oh boy, behind all that was my inpenetrable strength - it was the side of me I never knew existed and utterly proud to have met. I still admire that in me today. Either I was so great at keeping mum that no aspects of my body language gave anything away, or people strictly just didn't care at all. In fact, at best, people were just taken aback when I broke down once sobbing (geez, face-palm moment!) in front of the computer screen at my then client company's, probably thinking what a loser I was, seemingly unable to handle the work stress, professionally. My face was soaked with tears, accompanied with its various involuntary muscle movements. Shortly after, I was escorted off for a private discussion over coffee with my manager but I could sense it wasn't a safe place to explain what happened when concerns were directed mostly towards our reputation with the client. Whatever, I thought.
Timing, I supposed, as the divorce procedures got rather intense right about the same time the project I was involved in underwent one of their most high-stakes business system implementations, whereby the overall people aspect on that project arguably had always been seriously lacking or highly questionable anyway. Although I wasn't very proud of that moment on how I showed up vulnerably, the pressure was so high that I finally surrendered. For once, I let the tears roll down freely on my cheeks at work. In all honesty, it still feels a little weird and awkward, reminiscing that scene today, even though one could argue the humane side of being vulnerable should be normalized. Sadly, it just didn't quite play out well usually in a corporate setting without the risk of being judged and a hidden bias running deep in the organizational culture that eventually may ostracize opportunities of advancing one's career. However, it is absolutely true that always during times of dire needs or adversities that you will discover who your true friends are. That was a hard lesson to take but also a lesson I so desperately needed to shift the trajectory of my life.
Although it felt as though my world had fundamentally shrunk overnight, above all, I had the conscience and knew what was more important at that time, which was my role as a mother to a two year-old and our happiness as the remaining family, on my end at least, in the journey ahead. The well-being of my kid and the influence or trauma this event will have on his life were my primary driving force to courageously face and navigate my new life as a working expat and a single parent. Everytime when I anchored this into my soul, I felt a sense of calmness washing over me, assuring me that everything is going to be alright. I had a very clear vision of how I wanted my life to be, and that wasn't it. It was something inexplicable yet at the same time has given an extraordinary boost to my inner confidence that propelled me towards transforming my life in a phenomenal way. As mentioned earlier, sometimes you will never really understand what life has in store for you but the promise here is that it's always worth the wait if you focus on yourself, making the best of every moment even if it feels the hardest and impossible, and never ever go down the road of blame, anger, resentment and victimhood. My best advice to myself back then was simply: Just do the right things, get help if you need any.
My life was never the same again, the moment I learned how to truly live. Fast forward today, I am happy with where I am in my life and even found my way to a highly supportive, loving and elevating community that I proudly call my chosen family. I am making strides to creating the life that I have always dreamed of. Even though the past might catch up on me at times, it no longer comes with the piercing pain in my body that I used to feel but just some old memories that become an important piece of my own life story I feel compelled to share openly primarily to educate and help others who might be going through divorce and separation or similar life circumstances. No matter what challenging times you are going through right now, there is always light at the end of the tunnel! Just remember, pain is your portal for transformation. Although I would never wish upon anyone the divorce turmoil that I have experienced, I can gladly say today that it has been a blessing in disguise. I might not be able to say it outright years ago but indeed, trust you are always right where you need to be.
With that, I realized there was a message I could and had to share to help someone out there, perhaps an expat like myself who had noone to count on but oneself. This was the overarching reason that had led me to compiling and structuring all steps that I have taken in overcoming divorce and separation to get to where I am today into a self-paced online course: 'From Gloom to BLOOM: Transforming Your Life After Divorce and Separation with R.I.S.E. Framework'. In this course, you will learn to embody life-changing principles in overcoming potential challenges of divorce/separation and creating an even more exciting next chapter of life that aligns with your most authentic self, wisdom which will also powerfully transcend into other aspects of your life. After having encountered so many stories of people or families feeling helpless, devastated, or defeated following divorce and separation, I strongly believe that this is a undimissable message worth sharing: It is an opportunity to healing and awakening to your own authenticity and a grand favor you can give to those you love and care about. Divorce and separation does not need to be a "terrible" tragedy when you know how to leverage the lessons within to start living life the way you truly deserve.
So, do check out this online course or share this with anyone you know who might be needing this today. Thank You, from the bottom of my heart.
More importantly, in case anyone hasn't asked you this, let me: Are you okay? 💗
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