We human beings seek to establish order of information that we receive through our five senses which then form patterns that we are familiar with to make sense of the world we live in. To put it succintly, we are pattern builders! This ability is crucial in the process of learning and developing new skills. In learning, we integrate and assimilate acquired knowledge and information into our existing understanding and make incremental and subtle shifts to accommodate new insights while subconsciously reshaping our extant patterns. Skills development on the other hand requires deep practice and repetition through movement, thoughts and actions - until our memory takes over and everything becomes a nature of its own. That's when they run on autopilot...
Sometimes, patterns that we carry in ourselves, whether we are aware of them or not, are not serving us by limiting us from reaching the next level in life. These patterns have been ingrained into our system over years and years of unconscious layering of practice and therefore makes it harder to disrupt. As Rumi wisely put it, "Recognize that unlearning is the highest form of learning." Our patterns are more flexible and fluid in childhood allowing us to mould easily into new ones by readily accepting new elements. This process has proven to be more challenging, uncomfortable and time-consuming as we grow into adulthood to the extent that we may choose to reject new ideas or knowledge which introduce components of unknown or unfamiliarity. No wonder it has been said how a child's healthy future is considered fundamentally formed by the age of 7. That makes the first 7 years of children's life extremely important for us parents to love, nurture, educate and be present for them. Hence, breaking patterns is a core component in practicing conscious parenting - where I help parents detect their underlying patterns that can more often than not be traced back to their childhood experience and the influence of environment that they were brought up in.
Speaking of breaking a pattern, here's my story. I have been trying to overcome one myself, which has to do with my late hours in the evening that stretch into the (horrible) morning hassles for a while now. Any parents can relate to this? Perhaps it can partly be attributed to the new way of working from home since the pandemic hit and schedules that keep changing, I feel that I am losing grip on order, consistency or discipline. I know clearly now that I am a night owl who can stay awake till late indulging in whatever that I feel like doing or deprived of doing, especially once my son is nicely tucked in bed. My mind seems to convince me that I can stay longer in such state although my body tells me otherwise and that I can really use some sleep.
As one can quite likely guess, my attempt to wake up consistently at 5am in the morning to allow ample time for yoga and meditation, lunchbox preparations for school, a nice cuppa coffee or tea and reading, has nearly always been sabotaged with countless snoozes (I am actually kind of concerned too about the health of the device for receiving such treatment), followed by most inglorious oversleep, morning rush......and unintended annoyance. I started to notice how unhealthy this pattern is and worse when it got projected onto my son in various ways. Not only could I not begin my day in a proper way, everything else is generally more chaotic or appearing ridiculous, to say the least. For instance, I could not locate where the cheese was while preparing his sandwich, or I realized his lunchbox was still unwashed that it stinked a little, or instead of enjoying a nice breakfast at the table together, I have to steal constant glances at the clock to make sure that we leave on time for his school.
Then, the most unexpected happened, "Mama, I need to go to the loo." That usually would be approximately 10mins before the school gate closes and we are still home, with 4 traffic lights in mind, to hurdle through later. This is the juncture where my conscious self and ego each will play the central role, depending how awake I am on that day. My ego will convince the boy before me that since the school is nearby, he can opt to run, yes run, to the loo, once we reach there. This is completely in total ignorance of his need for relief. Any defiance is greeted with slight contempt which naturally result into an innocently sulking face and occassional "Mama, you are always upset" feedback. Poor kid, suffering at the hands of the unconscious being called his mom. But, there are times when my conscious self rises up righteously to truly see and prioritize what my child needs at the very moment regardless of how late we might get to his school. He would have taken his time in the loo and me, sitting there thinking and questioning this constitution called 'school', its defined official hours and the labels of 'punctuality' and 'tardiness'. Who created or started all these anyway? Or are these traditions or way of living that have been passed down for generations? I know, it sounds crazy and exhausting. Welcome to the deep practice of consciousness. I started to recognize how the time factor used to play out in my childhood.
When I was in primary school, my parents hired a lady whom I fondly called 'Auntie Ma', whose job was to go from house to house and pick kids up for school, had she been requested to do so, at a monthly fee. She would organized her pickup schedule in accordance to the best route to take (to avoid police, because it was illegal to fit that many kids in one car, which could be 15 kids at one time (her car has also been unusually modified to accommodate that). And not to mention the occasional swerves she made at the sight of uniformed humans, trust me, quite some rides I had) and still be at the school on time. If by any chance that I was late (due to late night studies and homework) for the rounds she made within my neighbourhood, she would come back later at her other possible schedules, with the risk of me being late for school. So that was how my morning hassles looked like then. It actually continued into my senior years, when my mother took over the role herself despite her 'fear' of the scorching sun in Malaysia, which turned my battle of racing against time into the need to ensure that she did not have to wait too long for me after school, under the sun. I actually prayed that she could find some shades if my teachers or friends ever have to hold me up a bit. Like seriously.
Now you see that there is always a dance between the ego and the conscious self. And honestly, the latter is so keen in slapping the other, in my case. The aim here is to always re-center in the midst of disorder, stay on the breath, and return to the present, the 'now'. Consciousness has to and only it can beat the ego - that's the game to play, to being our true selves. It was because of this pattern that was hard to break, and all its intimidating traits it has bestowed upon me then get spilled over to impacting my child's well-being that I was determined to disrupt and get over with. The awareness of such a pattern exists is always the first step. Only when we get clear of what patterns are playing out in our life that we can purposefully take the necessary steps to change them. I began to pay attention how I fill my time throughout the day. Then I realized that I almost always choose to work out after my son is in bed after which I will make an excuse to settle down with a cup of warm beverage before shower and stay glued on my computer for a bit, whether watching some Youtube videos or reading articles. Before I knew it, it was 12am and it took me another hour before actual bedtime. That would of course leave me with 4 hours or less of intended sleep before waking up again at 5am (which was successful only by chance). I had to shake my heads once I have identified what actually led up to my pattern of morning hassles. When we analyze deeper how our moment-to-moment conduct that contributes to the forming of our identified patterns, the steps to overwrite them with better and positive actions become possible, and arguably easier too.
I began to tweak and move my activities around to fit my schedule better and resoluted to always have 6 hours of sleep at the minimum. My lack of sleep did turn me into a cranky person, yikes! I have also moved my workout to after dinner preparation and the time before I pick up my son from the childcare. By his bedtime, I would be ready to just wind down doing whatever but be ready for bed before midnight. I can't say that it all pans out exactly like this every single time, but it is equally, if not more, important to continue allowing the flow of the day without compromising the desire to triumph over the disservice of the old pattern. This is life, and we are not robots - it is needless to be rigid. There will be days where I can expect to slip back into the old pattern, but I also fail better each time. This is the noble notion of Samuel Beckett's famous quote: "Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” When I let go the idea of perfection, new insights show up. It was not until yesterday that I found a new and better route to school which is relatively faster and less busier with one less traffic light. How did I miss that? In fact just this morning, all the three traffic lights went effortlessly to green as my car approached them. My son was not only on time for school, but he was 10mins earlier than usual which would allow him some playtime before class starts. (Ok, not that they study alot at this age, haha.) The universe has a mytiscal way of showing us the how, if we just tune in with our energy. I am going to beat this pattern of mine and it will be morning hassles no more!
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