Walking the talk means that whoever you say you are, your actions always congruently reflect your words, in the eyes of others. Such integrity earns trust which is very important in building connection and relationships with others. Recently, I have had several opportunities to evaluate how able I am in setting and keeping my boundaries. I got to walk the talk. Boundaries is merely a word to describe how you prefer to 'do things' and also suggests what you truly 'believe in'. I would also add, you make clear of your boundaries not simply because you want to be respected by others but you are part of the same equation where you need to respect yourself and what you desire to let happen, within that which you have control of. Yet, boundaries often sounds as though you have to 'draw a line' between you and the other person which in my opinion does limit how it ideally means and hence perceived. If anything, it can bring people closer together, when done right, than to promote distance or spark hostility which often how it is implied. On the other hand, depending on the context, it is also often used as a defense mechanism or a righteous act, to avoid being harmed or exploited, for example in a toxic situation. That's understandable, and still at the core of it, it is not any different than discussing the art of communication that preserves harmony and peace in our relationships. Boundaries, therefore, is all about communication discipline and hygiene.
The opportunities that greeted me recently concerned the different 'roles' I have as a neighbourhood resident, sister, daughter and mother. As a neightbourhood resident, I would love to be involved in this small community that I am part of, including accepting packages for neighbours when they were away and while I was home. However, after a few times, the delivery persons seemed to take that I am the perfect 'undelivered package collector centre' of the street where we live and began to ring the doorbell everytime when several packages were not successfully delivered to their owners - even when I did not expect any package of my own that day. This means I had to run up and down from my workstation upstairs, and opened the door to receive them, possibly up to 3 times per day. Then one fine day, I realized that it was not helping when it kept disrupting my focus hours and I started to ignore the doorbell when I did not expect a delivery myself - even when they relentlessly pressing it hoping I would show up. I did that consistently now and the whole event eventually died down. There are still some knee-jerk reactions to opening the door as soon as the doorbell rings (which is darn loud and startling when you are engrossed with your work) but over time, I was able to stop myself. There are personal rights that must not be messed around with or overridden.
I have not been so regular with calling home talking to my mom since months ago for reasons as I began to have some important business events increasingly planned on weekends which its best timing (between 8-9pm MY time) to call is challenged by the timezone difference and the fact that I am honestly no longer willing to spend hours on the phone discussing topics that often hit roadblocks and drained me. The last six words literally took me decades to wake up from and realized how it has insidiously impacted my life. That was all sincere with lots of kindness, empathy and compassion. And, I probably need to learn how to keep things brief with the main objective to keep each other posted about our lives in continent afar and refrain from venturing off topic everytime that made me reactivate unpleasant memories. Naturally, what was once a regular thing to call weekly roughly at the same hour and day became totally irregular and random. I have gladly interrupted the old 'pattern' and I kept the new randomness going to this day which works out pretty well for both parties. This decision was met with some level of frustrations, retaliations and criticisms at first - which was no surprise to me - and since I am backed with good and solid reasons, I welcomed those with much ease as I was not in particular drawn to be passive and please anyone else through plain conformity. Stating the truth has been liberating and I do not need to be someone I am not.
When my 7 year-old son recently received Nintendos as his birthday gifts, the situation at home took an accelerated shift in a discouraging way. I began to notice how our conversations have often been dominated by the context of games and the characters within those. What used to be occassional beach time, site tours and nature walks in the weekends are quickly greeted with silence or yawns and be counter-proposed with "chill" time which on his terms, from my close observations, means access to his Nintendo devices. Even the idiot box is considered relatively lame to rival with. In short, everything in the world disinterested him and during that entire time, I have experienced an odd sense of concern. I dreaded the term 'addiction' yet that idea kept swirling in my conscience. So, last Monday as usual, there has been a set playtime limit of up to an hour including 15-minute extension to "wrap things up" that we have both agreed upon. As the hour neared, I calmly reminded him that he took heed of it and finished off the game before switching the device off. It was close to bedtime and he needed to shower then rest. Yet, an unexpectedly furious emotional outburst took place after that, which ensued for hours that evening stretching into the night. There were loud screams, hyterical cries and tantrum throwing. For the first time after so long that I experienced emotional instability, over the incident. As I turned around, I realized the windows were open and what just happened probably got unwillingly "broadcasted" out there. Even though I could worry less about that, still given the choice, I would rather it not. Still I could not ignore the little embarassment that got the better of me for a few moments upon the realization. I just gasped, noticing the windows left ajar and cried, "oh no..". It was just a stressful situation, to say the least. More importantly, at the peak of this specific encounter, it made me realized what setting and keeping boundaries is really like and why it matters - as I clarify hereforth.
First and foremost, communicating boundaries is going to make you feel rather uncomfortable at first. You will likely struggle with this inner battle of whether you really have to go forward with it or just resort to how things 'used to work' which saves you tonnes of effort. You might even doubt if your boundaries make sense to others versus protecting that which you stand for. Look, it is supposed to be uncomfortable! That nagging thought so eager to convince you of otherwise is merely a default survival instinct to keep you safe as you proceed to attempt something that falls outside of your comfort zone. Its unfamilarity 'threatens' the status quo and triggers the alert to guard you against the 'invasion' on stability. Others might urge you to change your mind or give you a hard time, citing you are 'difficult', 'being ridiculous' or that you 'were a better person'. It is important to know that in time, people will understand. When you don't see things eye on eye, it is only because you are at different states or level of consciousness. Quit fighting the impossible as the possibility of the moment you wish for is still taking shape. If you give in to the egoic part of you who needs status quo to keeping it real, nothing is ever going to change but if you don't succumb to it, you will experience a breakthrough where the unfamiliar turns familiar, for you and everyone involved.
Secondly, avoid imposing your boundaries without explaining their importance to you. Whenever others feel that you are expecting them to play by your rules, not at their own will, they would rebel, "tune off" and stop listening. If you want buy-ins, you have to elaborate further and even better, emphasize the benefits you foresee that not only concerns you selfishly but also the value it brings to them as the result. It is the same concept in sales and marketing, where you would only purchase a product or service when you are clear about how it is going to serve you. Make sure not to over-explain your boundaries such that you come across over-justifying them. Plus, it may not be a bad idea to reserve some privacy on your way of thinking and being - actions speak louder than words anyway. If the boundaries work for you and does not harm the peace in others, over-justifying can quickly mar its difference with seeking validations and approval. Since you cannot control how others may react to it, it would be wise not to disregard the possibility of things going south - stand your ground and simply anticipate how to go about it. Remember, you are asking for support, not permission. Since the emotional outburst last week Monday, I spent the next consecutive evenings reflecting on the incident with my son and let him know how I felt about it. Similarly, I also invited him to explain for himself what he thought was happening and whether he agreed with the way I assessed the situation. As we openly talked, the conversation grew beautifully into one of mutual understanding and respect, with some laughters in between. This is what we should be after - better connection with each other.
Have you been told, "Don't be so serious!" on a positive note? Here's one context where that applies. Communicating boundaries must demonstrate firmness yet it can ideally be done with good humor too. It all comes down to the vibe you give out not forsaking any aspects of body language to support your overall demeanour in doing so. With the boundaries remain constant, you can either choose to engage others with it in a stern and intimidating way, or in both friendly and worth-taken-seriously way. Under the same rationale as before, always go with the option that enriches relationships and not severes ties. Choose to nurture the human connection and relationships, where possible. For whatever reason the situation flares up, try diffusing it with a light humor to break interrupt the negativity when the time is right and watch what happens. Unresolvable conflict can become an emotional trap to noone's advantage if you are not cautious and start looking at it more objectively. The truth is, everyone seeks not only to understand, but also to be understood.
Last but not least, boundaries must be fluid and adapted accordingly as situation changes or requires. Failing to do so may indicate rigidity and potentially backfire. I would not have done much goodwill by simply refusing a seemingly urgent package that has arrived for the neighbour who unfortunately is not home at the time - and me not opening the door knowing I did not order anything. In this case, it would not harm to make an exception for this. This is not the same as being wishy-washy with the boundaries you set such that you keep changing your mind about it. When you do so, you create an impression that not even you yourself are able to keep up with the boundaries you have, let alone hoping others would accept, respect and follow suit. You are not walking your talk! There might come a time when you have the inclination to be "flexible" with your boundaries after having been pestered, because you choose to, it can be done without compromising their integrity by means of clarifying that 'something got to give' as an alternative. Allowing my son an hour on Nintendo during one of the schooldays while it is only permitted for weekends as agreed, he may need to consider skipping the hour on weekend should he not wanting to wait till then. Something has got to give....in this way, you are still able to preserve the sanctity of the boundaries in your household. When boundaries eventually become the "norm", it is easy to lose sight of the 'bigger picture' as you get used to how things "supposed to" work. Be willing to scan and assess the environment and context you are in, from time to time, and determine if your boundaries can have an upgrade too.
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