So this happened. I was successfully cajoled into playing adventure midget golf yesterday by my kid at the holiday park where we spent a few wonderful summer days together. Admittedly, I was trying to avoid doing that due to the less promising weather, the waiting time at the golf course due to the throngs of people usually and honestly, I would rather do something else instead. Every time we walked past the mini golf course, he would remind me that we were going for it on one of the days there. And each time, I would either smile, keep quiet and curtly reply "maybe, we'll see...", or work up some excuses which initially seemed convincing to him, but definitely lost their effects on our final day there. I started to wonder what made me gave in to this idea that I have been trying to dodge since Friday. Here's typically how our conversations went:
"Mama, I'd love to play midget golf, when can we go please?"
"No, not today, we shall for a swim today. Swimming complex requires booking due to corona regulations, so we better get there on time, else risk not able to swim at all."
"Ok, but when can we go for midget golf really? It's so fun!"
"We will see, I am not sure."
"But you said yesterday already that maybe today we can do that, do you recall?"
"Yes I did, but look at the weather today, it's so gloomy and been drizzling or raining. I really don't think that playing outdoor golf would be a good idea. But we can check if they have indoor version, that could be an option. Plus, we should really make full use of the bikes we have rented for the day too. Otherwise, it would be a pity."
(Still checking out the golf course.) "Ok, we will bike today. How about tomorrow then? We will first go for a swim, then go play some golf. What do you say? It's just drizzling, we will be fine."
"Sounds good, but let's see how it goes tomorrow, ok?"
"Ok...but do you remember how much fun that was when we did that last time?"
"Uh hmm...yeah it was fun indeed."
"So don't you want to experience that again? I mean it was so exciting to play! Do you agree?"
"Yeah of course, but I just don't feel like it now." (Trying to change subject.)
"We don't have to go now if you don't want to. But we can certainly try later this afternoon, or tomorrow afternoon after swimming, don't you think?"
"Ok, no promise. Let's first check if the indoor version exists, and if not, we will see what we can do." (The next day came and it was confirmed that indoor version did not exist.)
"What can we do now, Mama? Shall we go play adventure golf? There were not a lot of people at all, I checked. It will be fun, please?"
(Dodging the subject again.) "We haven't checked out the beach and the petting zoo, have we? Shall we do that now before going home?"
"We did walk and cycle past them yesterday. That's good enough for me. I really want to play some mini golf today with you! Come, let's check in at the counter before more people are queing up for it, shall we? It's not raining now."
(Running out of excuses, could not say more looking at the sparkling eyes filled with thrill and excitement, right before me.) "Alright then. Let's do it."
And, I have conceded.
Then it came to my realization that my kid was not only persistent but he was asking better questions to me every single time. And with a little bit of everything else too: pre-framing (i.e. it's going to be fun!), going down the memory lane (i.e. do you remember..do you recall?), seeking alignment (i.e. don't you think...do you agree?), and using "broken record" technique (an assertive communication technique of asking relentlessly till you get what you need or want, though subtly to suit the context). He did not just stop asking me after having literally been told various versions of NO's several times over the course of 4 days. Instead, he agreed with me as he saw fit but continued to tweak his questions going forward and mirrored back to me what I told him about the weather, other preferred activities, and people in general. Good to know that he was listening, there is aplenty to learn from this little guy!
Now, that's just some background story. I believe we can all learn something from this. The question I would ask you is this, how often do you give up simply when your input, idea or viewpoint has being ignored, downplayed or rejected, for the first time? It sure feels sucky when that happens, no doubt to that. However, our reaction to that suggests a lot about our own beliefs system. As we should understand by now, our beliefs system is primarily informed by our lifelong experience which is an outcome of the constant co-creation based on the law of cause and effect. Based on how we perceive our surroundings using our five senses, our brain makes up its own assumptions and conclusions all the time. Could there be a possibility that your idea just did not suit the current discussion? Absolutely, and it has naught to do with how 'lousy' or 'bad' an idea you have. How about considering the way you convey your viewpoint to others? There could be something got lost in translation or not fully understood given all the time there was, that it appeared not well-received. Not forgetting any other potential interplaying factors involving people (e.g. a distracted audience) and situations (e.g. project with aggressive milestones and the focus required).
My point is this, we have to know how to ask better questions in order to get better answers. We want to learn to be expansive with possibilities, and not shrunk by limitations. When our input, idea or viewpoint feels ignored, downplayed or rejected, we need to check in if we take that as a validation to what we think would have happened, hence self-fulfilling prophecy, or we take that as a challenge to take a hard look at our own approach. Instead of telling ourselves:
Maybe my idea is not as good as I thought it was.
They must be laughing at me for such ridiculous input.
How silly am I to think that anyone is going to love my idea!
That was some lukewarm response, I think I'll say nothing next time.
I feel bad for saying what I had on my mind, perhaps it was bad timing.
There were really some great ideas put across that mine was totally obscured.
Try going for these questions, or alike:
What would it take for them to give this idea a chance to prove its worth?
Can I meet with them individually to get some feedback on this idea?
How can I enhance my idea to make it more appealing to them?
How can I find future opportunities to say what I want to say?
What would they love to understand more about this idea?
What do they actually not like about this idea?
When we tune up with better questions, our brain naturally wants to facilitate and guide us to finding better answers by empowering inspired actions. When we take inspired actions, we begin to see how opportunities unfold before us to make things happen for us. I am sure you have heard of 'When there is a will, there is a way' - asking better questions is ultimately an essential tool of resourcefulness. So ask yourself today, how can I keep asking better questions to get even better outcomes that I want? As a matter of fact, I found playing mini golf yesterday afternoon was actually quite fun and my excuses seemed to sound flimsy and illogical after all, while being so resolute at resisting it. Talking about how better questions can change the mind of another!
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