Recently, my dear mother, during one of our weekend long-distance telephone calls, dropped a dreary blunt conclusion about my life, she told me, "...You must be feeling so lonely." I chuckled but also cringed a bit upon hearing that, more so when there was even a connotation of a stretched time horizon in her words. That was interesting, as it was far from truth. I was not really sure if she was referring to the isolation due to pandemic lockdown, my post-divorce life or about me working from home, perhaps all the aforementioned. On the contrary, I was literally having quite a time of my life and still am, despite the ensuing circumstances. I began to wonder how she came to that conclusion herself. Then I realized that she must have her own perception of what loneliness is, hence her thoughts conjuring up images about lockdown, divorce, and remote working - that informed it. Well, two-third of which she did not actually have experienced before. What left was the lockdown that which she associated with loneliness, something she would not likely be so certain about unless she is feeling it herself. Otherwise, she could have asked, "Are you feeling lonely?" instead - to imply she could be wrong. Then it gripped me if my mother's words, though imposed on me, were possibly a reflection of her own feelings. Misery loves company, sounds familiar. I empathized with her and tried not to defend my understanding of it. In that moment, my 'how dare you' has transcended into 'I hear you'.
So it has somehow led me wanting to discern the difference between aloneness (or, solitude) and loneliness. The filter through which we view life is built on the 2 C's: childhood and culture. When we were born, we were a clean slate, an untainted blueprint of pure love and compassion. Depending mostly on our primary environment we grew up in, in presence of our parents or caregivers, especially in the earliest years (at least up to 7) of our lives, we observed and learned, but unknowingly gradually conditioned and have our identities shaped by the consciousness level of our immediate surroundings. Culture, on the other hand, encompasses anything from religions, traditions, rituals, taboos, to innovations, trends, rules, red tapes and social norms. Culture still has it that it is rather suspicious, unusual or abnormal if someone is alone, especially beyond a certain age group, not physically witnessed to either be involved in a relationship, or actively communicating and engaging with the community or society. In other words, we often believe only what we could see. That is exactly how we have been conditioned to think.
It came to me that talking about aloneness and loneliness, is like talking about emptiness and nothingness. Aloneness and emptiness can be explained from a zero-thought basis, empty of judgements, perceptions or biases. Therefore, emptiness is also wholeness, non-division. When we are whole, we are pure love who accepts and appreciates everything as it is. The root word of aloneness, alone, essentially means all-one, which is oneness or wholeness. When we spend time alone, we immerse ourselves effortlessly into the is-ness of everything. The swaying of trees, the gentleness of breeze, the stillness of water, the sound of traffic, the rise and fall of the chest through breaths. However, this scares many people. Going from doing to being is an uncomfortable place to be in and may even be understood as incompetent in our society that richly promotes actions and achievements. What happens when discomfort greets us? We want to run and hide, escape and distract ourselves with all forms of entertainment. We are afraid to be alone as we cannot accept our true essence. Loneliness and nothingness, on the other end, both imply a gaping hole awaiting to be filled otherwise known as unmet needs. When there is need, there is attachment. When there is attachment, there is endless pursuit of an outcome or result. From attachment, desire is born. Since desire knows no bounds, it is constantly insatiable, leaving us longing and wanting more. Loneliness is felt when we befriend and become identified with our thoughts, which then create our sense of self, our ego - the false self. Our ego which rooted itself in self-centredness actions or selfishness, the so-called 'I', 'me', 'my' or 'mine', hence attachment, will be eager to protect us by masking the loneliness in various ways. We seem happily married, have children and beautiful families, successful careers, dense network of connections, living the dreams but may still feel utterly lonely with hurt, fear, despair and anxiety due to our constant expectations of the external environment. No wonder loneliness is said to be a sign of disconnectedness from our true selves and often in disguise of our actions and behaviours unconsciously impacted by our upbringing. It can be so subtle that unless we are aware of it, loneliness will never dissolve. As Einstein's saying goes, we cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
When we unpack aloneness and loneliness this way, I believe it can help us to understand what others might be going through and not rush to judge or make any conclusions about any events. What we see is quite often only the tip of the iceberg while there may be a whole lot going on beneath the surface. This should shed some light for the fact that loneliness has been suggested by many sources to be linked to mental health and suicides and it is a phenomenon that continues to rise everyday. According to the WHO suicide data, there are indications that for each adult who died by suicide, there may have been more than 20 others attempting suicide. We may want to ask, what are their unmet needs, thoughts and beliefs, and how they came about accumulating them throughout their lifetime. Therefore, it is important that we learn to show empathy and compassion toward others. Not sometimes, but as a lifetime practice. It comes easy when we just care to understand that it is who we truly are.
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