When it comes to compliment, I find that it has more often been discussed in the context of giving compliment to others than about receiving one. Extending appreciation to an individual or team through compliment or recognition is also a strong expression of leadership quality. The idea of accepting compliments are sometimes culturally misconstrued as "feeding the ego" but there is another gentle and graceful side of it, which is subtle but profound. Whether the praise comes across as genuine or not (think tease, sarcasm, prank), it is how the receiver responds and internalize within self that matters. In my personal journey, it took me a long time to be aware of how I have been responding to compliments in ways that I thought was "normal" but not necessarily helpful or kind to myself. It got me thinking why such simple revelation took aeons to manifest in my life. In fact, I shall not discount the fact that we do (unconsciously) learn from people in our circle on how to respond to compliments. No wonder the saying of how we become the average of the five persons we spend most of our time with. And obviously, that covers more grounds than just compliment responses!
Think about a moment in time when you were given a compliment. What do you remember about how your response was? What did you say? What was your body language like? How does it make you feel there after (post-response)? In my case, I could bring up so many insignificant moments that I now want to just give myself a double face palm. For example, when a friend complimented on the dress I had on and that it looked nice on me, I would say, "Oh it is an old dress, from x store, cost about y euros, such a steal!" Although I felt good in my dress, the compliment made me feel uncomfortable and awkward for some reasons. My body language then would speak for itself. Oddly enough, I even chose not to wear the same dress again for some time, simply to avoid having another encounter of such awkwardness. I used to receive compliments about my neat handwriting and in the same manner, sometimes I tend to say, "Thank you, you think? I have seen neater handwriting." Other times, I would probably have even said nothing. I hope that I smiled some, shrugs! The bottom line is, it seemed that I felt occasional unease accepting the compliment for what it is, and in ways that are congruent with how I feel about it inside me. Do I not love compliment? Of course I do.
Not surprisingly, I woke up to this pattern one day in my rock bottom. I bumped into the right resources and people during this time, which/who taught me the simple gesture of accepting compliments from others is actually a way to connect with myself and others. In fact, the ability of accepting compliments is also associated with one's level of self-esteem and self-confidence. When we feel any discomfort in accepting 100% the compliment given, we are telling ourselves that we are not deserving of it. Based on the previous examples, it is equally important to be reminded how the insignificant moments stack up and accumulate over time. And before we know it, they form certain meanings in us and become a part of how we show up every day in life. If we have the consciousness to dive further into this, the work here would be to find out and deconstruct the past experiences which have led us to believing that we do not feel deserved of it. Remember, most of us are wounded children in adult forms. Healing that does not take place will continue for generations to come. This undeserving thought pattern, unless overruled with awareness, will continue to be demonstrated in our roles as leaders and parents. Especially in the case of children, they absorb the unconscious behaviours they observe in every moment more than what they were directly told.
So now you might ask, what does gracefully accepting 100% a compliment look like? My take would be to just smile, humbly say 'Thank You' and add nothing more. As the examples above showed, there is no need to water down the compliment with unnecessary details (called 'deflection') which only makes it worse by undermining the praise, fishing for more validations or appearing to insult the giver. In other times, deflection is also expressed by turning the attention away from the receiver back to the giver, for instance, "Oh but you definitely look nicer in your dress". Instead, it is always a positive thing to share the "limelight" by holding the giver in praise as well, for example, "Thank you, and likewise, you look very nice in yours too!" (...and by all means, say it like you mean it.) There is also no reason to turn down the compliment entirely, for instance, "Nah, I don't think so.", which is then a form of self-insult and denial, not to mention disrespect for the giver. When we gracefully accept compliments from others, we are not only showing others how to treat us (I don't mean it in a prideful manner) but also a demonstration of our self-love and self-nurturing. Next time when you get a compliment, take it in, not pompously but humbly and gracefully. Embrace it in a way that feeds your soul and serves your well-being. Understand that it is a way to honor both yourself and the generous other. Get ready, even this takes practice.
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