It was a beautiful morning as I woke up on 4th June to the beginning of a fresh new decade of my life. My son was already up hours earlier than I did - trying to surprise me with all the balloons the best he could. I had to sleep in abit since I was busy baking till late the night before just so we would have something nice to celebrate my birthday with. I got all dressed up to feel my best and was all set to have a wonderful and memorable weekend together with my son.
As I was sipping my cup of coffee, right about 9:30am in the morning, the door bell rang, which shocked the soul out of me everytime (because for whatever reasons, it is just too loud to get used to). I went to the hallway with the keys and it felt as though something rather ominous was about to occur. I caught the glimpse of the hand holding a pair of silver green or golden heels from behind the blinds and instantly, I knew who to expect - feeling confident that it was in relation to the conversation I have had the evening before. And sure it was, my new neighbour (the wife) since about three months ago, was standing right there looking extremely crossed. Before I could even utter any words, she already began a "verbal war", spewing all sorts of unkind words, as I watched with fascination and amazement, her finger-pointing gestures and varied upset expressions, all while playing victim in her own projection of the incident. What on earth was that? My befuddled brain was still working out the logical side of things. In a nutshell, the entire drama ended with her storming off, threatening to call the police, and in my most calmest composure, I had to holler at her to acknowledge her of this, "By the way, you are very rude." What a horror! It didn't quite make much sense of what ideally had warranted such poor behaviour from her.
Photo credit: Wix-owned image.
Let me explain. Since they moved in in February, I have had frequent feline visitors at our backyard garden, sniffing around and later, scratching off our flowerbeds. Initially, it was not much of a fuss as I wondered how our garden had attracted these cats (yes, multiple!) regularly and thought it was harmless that they came, although it certainly felt intrusive to some extent. Lo and behold, as I finally decided to go outside and worked on my garden - where the grassy patch seemed to have grown quite a bit - I started to discover and understand the real reasons why these felines came and lingered around.
The waft of unbearable smell filled my nose from one corner of our garden where the summer plants began to hue and then a little more coming from the opposite side of it at the sandy, balding corner of the mini field next to the shed. There were cat faeces everywhere! No wonder it stinked so bad, my goodness! It was on that day when I realized what exactly was I up against with these uninvited feline guests. The trouble with the neighbour took off to a whole new level as soon as I purchased the ultrasonic device to repel wild pets and planted that on the ground in our garden. The device which emits harmless-to-human but ear-piercing sound detectable by cats apparently did not please the new neighbour after all. When the husband came to our door the evening before and demanded that the device sound be tuned out completely (which rendered it ineffective to drive the cats away) because they could not enjoy their garden during the summer weather, I gathered he was not too happy to settle with tuning it down rather, as I stood my ground on basis of the cats' faeces claim. I closed the door behind him, thinking that we have at least talked about this openly. But little did I know, that their peace felt compromised and caused his wife's intense uproar, who came that morning with her bizarre opening line of, "I am not as kind as my husband." Whoa, (but who cares)! No one should ever settle for threats like that. Something portrayed aggressively as such amounts to nothing but plain egoistic, inner weakness and low self-esteem.
I must admit that I was slightly affected by the scene at our doorstep that morning, pondering over how my level of energy on that day had somewhat 'attracted' the unfavorable incident with a neighbour whom I barely had any chance to cordially greet yet since they moved in. I even shared this experience with a pair of environmentalist friends of mine and found out more from them that outdoor cats are considered bad for health and environment, for several good reasons. I didn't necessarily find what I did had violated the law nor anybody's rights and I just knew I had to do something about it to address her lousy behaviour. Unless I do, I am not quite sure how to live next door as neighbours with an air of animosity and awkwardness each time we meet. I was sitting at the dining table the next morning, contemplating on that after an arguably restless day of the unpleasant encounter, when an inkling to write them a letter came to my mind. I didn't wait too long, grabbed my laptop, and started typing away. I just kept typing until I had about four long pages filled with my reflection of the conversation, which I hoped to have demonstrated my side of assertiveness to them. So here's what I wrote in the letter:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. & Mrs. Neighbour, Date: SUNDAY, 5-JUNE-2022
I hope this letter finds you well.
I have been reflecting on the unsettling and arguably distasteful conversation that took place at my doorstep on 4th June 2022 at approximately 09:30am, in the presence of my 6 year-old. Since it does not seem like we can have a proper human-to-human conversation gearing towards looking for a workable solution (before we even get the chance to be great neighbours), hence this letter to ensure I express what I feel it is needed to be said.
Let me be very clear though from the get-go, I am not writing this with any intention to be “right”, to “prove something” or to “counter-attack” you. At the same time, I don’t want to give you an idea that I can be simply silenced by what I considered to be close to verbal bullying – should I just leave it as that.
I have learned the hard way that trying to be “right” is exactly what blocks communication in most cases - so I choose to come with empathy and respect. My sole wish of writing this is for you to hear me out.
Please kindly read on for now.
While I understood the ground of the discussion concerning the seemingly high-frequency beeping device in my garden to drive away (possibly) your pet cat, I want to let you know that I find the tone and the way you brought up the discussion was antagonistic at best, which I could not appreciate and really thought it could be approached with a little calmer, as how you would not appreciate my need to drive your cat away in the last fortnight or so.
I understand you have been impacted by the device sound, yet aggression with threats and unfounded accusations, are not necessary and will not be tolerated from my end – I supposed you wouldn’t either if you were in my shoes:
“I am not as nice as my husband…” or
“You are hurting us..!” (with finger-pointing gesture) or
“You turn that on, I will call the police.”
…were noted down as some of the examples (re: the wife) I picked up from our conversation.
First off, you were right (re: the husband) that there were other cats in this neighbourhood and I could not be absolutely sure if it was your cat which came and dropped his/her faeces in our garden. But I can assure you in the two years that I have been living here, there was no such problems of any kind before. While that does not still work as a solid premise to “blame” it on your cat, I do have the rights to do whatever I can to avoid the stench coming from cat faeces in several corners of my garden soil – without violating the rights of others. That includes “chasing” the cat (re: “objectless”) away whenever I spotted it roaming around in my backyard and invest money on a device that I don’t ideally have to in the first place. Such conscious decisions in any case were only acted upon after weeks of letting the cat roam freely in our garden, I didn’t see that as a huge problem initially, only without knowing why and where the funky smell came from.
Next to that, I have previously sought advice/suggestions from environmental experts in my network who led me to understand how cat faeces may cause diseases if not attended to. It may sound far-fetched for now, but as you may know – prevention is always better than cure. Here’s what they have shared with me:
Outdoor Cat Information:
Bad for Environment:
Bad for Health:
Secondly, the “katten verjager” device was what I found on the internet to be a harmless approach to both humans (I am aware of little kids in the neighbourhood and I have a young child with me too) and animals, that “does the job” of keeping cats away from one’s garden. I have experienced it myself with my old neighbours and I understand it can be “annoying” sometimes and in this case, have “caused you headaches”– so I appreciate that you informed me about that. I am sure you would agree that things cannot be known clearly until they are made known specifically. It is also in my understanding that device does not beep 24/7, it can be tuned optimally, solar-powered and activated through sign of movements. However, it didn’t feel justified to simply request me to switch it off completely on (vague) basis that “cats have to learn not to fuss” or “it needs to be outside” or “other neighbours have problems with it too”. That to me sounded more like demanding, “there’s nothing we can do and you need to switch it off. Period.” This was my line of thinking at the time: “If the masters of the cat can’t do anything about this, then what’s left is a matter between us and the cat itself – as long as we are not harming the cat.” I have agreed (re: with the husband) to “turn it down” in general to preserve the “win-win” more so because you love spending time in your garden and you have planned to have guests over yesterday. But I supposed that didn’t please you so much either as you saw that as a “lose-lose” regardless – that eventually invited the unfavourable discussion we had at my doorstep, unfortunately with much intense fury.
Look, I don’t know if this letter is going to possibly stir another uproar, retaliation or hostility from your end – but I want you to understand there is no malice intended in this written communication yet I am no people-pleaser in general. Personally, I stand for “love thy neighbours as thyself” and believe that neighbours/community of people can live harmoniously despite some disagreements. Hence, I hope the next time we cross paths or bump into each other, in the vicinity or elsewhere, we can exchange pleasantries instead of hostility, despite this recent encounter.
Before I end this correspondence, here’s what I would like you to know:
(1) I have decided to return the “katten verjager” device as it does more “damage” on communication than anything else. So, there is nothing you need to worry about this anymore. Furthermore, after our conversation yesterday, as I turned around and walked back to my living room, there was the cat again in our backyard, digging off my new summer flowerbed this time. Putting the upset/dilemma feeling aside, that made me doubt if the device is effective at all as such it befits a longer-term solution in this case.
(2) On basis of (1), as I’d gathered from the our conversation yesterday, you will also consider doing your part to the extent possible to guard the cat or by scattering cat-repellant agents to alleviate the situation with cat faeces. Thank you in advance for doing that.
(3) Your cat came for another visit this morning and I saw you (re: the wife) made the effort to tempt it back to your own property ground. Thanks for making the effort, I appreciate it.
Last but not least, thank you for taking your precious time to read this through till the end. I hope this is also an indirect manner to bridge an sincere understanding what neighbours are for and can be, and also the importance of effective communication to human relationships and connection.
We wish you a wonderful rest of the long weekend.
------------------------------------------------------------------
It felt good to have written my thoughts down on paper and got them printed out, ready to be dropped into their postbox. My son and I suggested that we could do that together and when we arrived at their doorstep, I had to smile when I saw the "message" on their doormat, saying, "You Shall Not Pass", for what would have normally been just a nice "Welcome" by most households - I presumed. Perhaps I was passing judgments here but it just had to remind me of that indelible first impression of this neighbour that truly had given me the opportunity to assert and stand up for myself. My son put the letter in and we walked home. Whether they did eventually read the letter or not, I decided to let that go because I knew that I have done the right thing to honour and respect myself. Now having done that, I felt an immense gratitude enveloping me, giving me not only an opportunity to practice assertivess but also the chance to share this story and educate others to (be willing to) defend their rights respectfully and empathically without breaching the rights of others. Being assertive is truly a healthy way of communicating and connecting with people in a much deeper and engaging sense.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I am hosting a half-day workshop on Saturday, 25th June 2022 - Decode Your Conditioned Mind to BE Assertively YOU With Ease - to dive deep into how the mind can hold you back from being assertive (self-aware, self-esteemed, self-confident) and stand up against potential bully, threatening and diminishing behaviours, and help guide you to shift away from that to a more empowering mindset which allows you to express yourself freely without undue fear and anxiety. Register here today, limited seats only!
Comments