We are inherently creatures of connection. Cultivating connection in our relationships with one another is fundamental for our overall well-being and developmental process. It is our innate ability and one of deeply human needs without which we are prone to feeling enshrouded by misery, threatened and unsafe. More importantly, it reminds us that we are not alone, and in ways that imbues our vibrant energy towards showing compassion, caring, serving and uplifting others.
We learned how to connect in the early stages of our life by means of observing people closest to us, absorbing and taking in cues from our environment we grew up in, receiving various forms of feedback along the way as we began communicating, that gradually shaped our own manner of connecting with others, maturing into our adulthood. When we truly evaluate the depth of our connection today to understand whether it is nurturing and nourishing our soul as such we are thriving and fulfilled, or diminishing our light and power as such we feel disengaged and unseen, it can reveal a lot to us our karmic evolution, or archaic unconscious programming we have embodied, to this very day.
Our unmet need of satisfying connection as we experienced when growing up often morphs into some form of control and co-dependency in our relationships due to the conditionings in our system. We are counting on others to get our needs and demands satiated, unaware of the irony of it slowly and stealthily eroding away a potential healthy connection with them. Therefore it is key that we begin to realize this disempowering cycle, start examining the quality of our relationships and seek to connect instead of control, by means of relinquishing 'rules' for which we expect adherence or compliance. While creating awareness is always the first important step to initiate change, but let's fast forward and explore the five ways that we can consider to improve and build more effective connection, especially in our relationships with people we hold dear in life:
Make it about them, not you
When someone is behaving in perplexing ways that are not aligned with our expectations, for example, throwing a tantrum, making a mess, or acting passive-aggressively, we are tempted to react to the person instead of responding to what actually happened. When we react, we unknowingly has participated in a dysfunctional communication that merely implies how their behaviour affects us and we intend to get even. In order to allow room for connection to take place, we have to shift the focus towards them, asking ourselves "What is really going on here?" or "What does this person need right now?", and avoid taking things personally. Oftentimes what we experience as someone's unfavorable behavior is only the tip of the iceberg, while there are so much more than what meets the eyes - and if we choose to reach out and seek to understand, we are offering the greatest gift anyone could ever ask for, that is to be understood.
Practice active listening
Once the focus is on them, it is essential that we pay attention to what they are saying or not saying (i.e. hinting or implying), which requires active listening skill. It is a skill for a reason since it is not as easy as it sounds, in part because we are constantly interrupted by our own thoughts. As the person talks, we are busy processing incoming information and interpreting in our heads, perhaps coming up with more questions to ask them next. In that brief span of time, we quite likely have missed the message that the other person intends to convey. Have you ever been in a conversation with someone where you found yourself lost in your own thoughts for a mere few seconds and shortly snapped back into the interaction asking, 'Sorry, what were you saying again?'? To demonstrate active listening, we can try repeating after what the other person is saying, verbatim or paraphrased, from time to time, to assure them that they are heard and that we are showing interest to what they have to say. This is a critical step to creating a rapport with them, without any judgements, biases, making up assumptions or jumping to conclusions.
Emphatize and validate
Showing empathy is when we put ourselves in the other person's shoes, step into their experience and imagine what they are going through. It is only when we can emphatize deeply that we allow them to open up more, share their feelings and emotions and allow ourselves to understand and appreciate their stories with new perspectives. We can further validate their feelings and emotions by accepting, honoring and respecting their point of views or experiences as simply true as they are - understanding them as neither good nor bad, right nor wrong. Validation does not mean that the other person's experience has to sound logical to us or that we in principle agree with what happened and their expressions of it. We are simply reflecting back to them our comprehension and join them in their beliefs of the experience.
Disclose with discernment
There are times when we can relate to the experience of others through our own and we feel encouraged or the urge to share and enrich the ongoing conversation with. While this can be seen as an emphatic approach, our disclosure must be appropriate, relevant and done with care as such are not suggesting or creating separation that halts them from experiencing what they are going through. The caution here is ideally not to turn the tables instead and make them our place to express and vent about our past experience, no matter how fitting that may seem! Remember, this is still about them, not about you.
Induce fun and humor
It is no surprise how the atmosphere can sometimes brighten up a little by integrating some fun and injecting some humor at the appropriate juncture of a serious, intense conversation or discussion. Laughter is the best medicine and we certainly can use it to good effect! When done right, these are effective ways to help people loosen up some, break the negative focus and surrender to the present moment. I use this technique a lot with my child when he cries in pain (at times hysterically) over a minor cut on his finger or leg. To calm him down, I would start dancing and singing, "Pain, pain, go away, please don't ever come back again, little Julian wants to play... Pain, pain go away..." This song would shift his attention away from the pain he was feeling to singing along with me and before he realized it, he was off telling me about something else that happened earlier at school and forgot all about the pain he was squealing upon.
I have personally found all these steps absolutely helpful in bridging connection with people in my life and those whom I meet along the way. While these are not necessarily new information but having them organized into a step-by-step structure allow me to keep them ready in my toolbelt and summon for use when I need them. To live a worthwhile life of humanity, it does hinge upon the quality of relationships and connection we make with one another, day in and day out. When we commit to using these steps in our communication, I am confident that we will be able to enjoy the fruit of better and improved connections that positively fuel and elevate our soul and spirit.
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